Communication Breakdown

And for the Nth time this week, my head has started throbbing. These headaches have become excessively regular this past week odd and they’ve been screaming to me that something is just not right. Not in my head, not in my body.

These headaches come often. They put a stop to all of my senses. Its raining outside and I’m supposed to find it beautiful, a part of my brain knows that. But right now, I’m sitting here in front of a computer, numb to any feeling. Except for the throbbing. That doesn’t stop.

There’s this feeling in my head. Like someone really heavy has found its place there. There’s a sense of loom. Like I’m standing in an infinite tunnel with no sunlight. My grasp on time and space is weird. I’m here in front of you but I’m really not. And if you asked me where I am instead, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. I am thinking but I don’t know what about. And suddenly I find myself in some place, paralyzed by the throbbing in my head, with no sense of where I am and what I’m doing there.

I know a lot of it has to do with my unhealthy lifestyle and all that jazz, but there’s something else. Something in the underground chambers of my thoughts, slithering through sewers of dirty negativity and feeding off it. Its taking away from me the one thing that’s most important, my purpose and my sense of self.

I don’t recognise myself sometimes when I look into the mirror.What I used to be feels betrayed by who I have become. There is fatigue in all those places where you would formerly find enthusiasm. Hopelessness has replaced optimisim.

And this is true for every aspect of my life. Whether in terms of my career, where I can’t find my feet and where I’ve stopped looking. In my relationship, that’s stagnant and immobile since as far as I can remember, such that I’ve lost hope it’ll ever go somewhere. In my social life, where I neither completely subscribe to or stand out of anything. And in my personal sense of being, which is suddenly more dependent on everything external than anything internal.

And all of this I feel, is because there is just no conversation. Everyone is so emerged in themselves and their lives that there is just no time to step back and talk about something new. Each person is in their own box with a window, big enough only to observe not absorb. Iron cages of rigid ideas and notions among everyone around me. Or is it me who’s being rigid? grappling to hold on to a floating plank of wood in the middle of an ocean in which I could drown.

The throbbing has started again and my heart paces. Its not like I want someone to give me the answers to these questions, because deep down I know what these answers are. I’m just too scared to accept them. I’m too afraid to deal with consequences. And mostly, I’m too lazy to have to go throught the effort of making amends.

So I have one of two options. I can either muster the courage to move ahead or I must learn to live with what I have, and learn more importantly, to be content with it.

What do you think?

 

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