I know, right now, that I *need* to write. Mostly to hang on to whatever sanity I have left inside me. But I’m at a loss of what to say.
So I’ll try to update you from the start. I have spent 60 days in the united kingdom wondering to myself – “what on earth am I doing here?” The simple answer is, I’m doing my masters in development studies. But of course, that’s not the answer anyone is interested in, except perhaps my future employer (who I hope to hell is not reading this).
So back to my existential crisis. I’ll tell you where it all started. First of all, you should know that I’m not a particular fan of ‘international organizations’ even less of things like the UN and World Bank and IMF and such. Their multiple levels of hypocrisy are way too vast for my tiny little brain to wrap itself around. So one thing I was clear about when I came here, to do this masters, was that ‘aid’ , ‘intervention’ , ‘multilateral agencies’ , ‘donors’ and the like, were things I didn’t want to touch even with a yardstick. So imagine my disappointment when all the conversations here surround these debates.
In my head I zone out every time someone starts talking about this aid program and that multilateral agency. I keep wanting to tell them, stay the hell away from my country or any other ‘developing’ country for that matter. And I have to admit I’m fortunate enough to have enough classmates who agree with me. But we are still a minority in this larger debate which is still webbed around the ideas of neoclassical and neoliberal development policy and the importance of the role of ‘western’ players in international development. Which to me, is mind numbing.
Now if you’re thinking to yourself “hey, you went there to do a course in development studies, what did you expect was going to happen” in a highly sarcastic fashion, let me clear the air for you.
To my mind, Development studies is ‘supposed’ to be 3 things
1) multidisciplinary – aka – not falling on itself to be validated by economics
2) inclusive – aka – getting over its fascination of western thinkers, western ideas, western ways of understanding the world, and making room for alternative thoughts, ideas and understandings of the world
3) the way forward – aka- we all know we’re at a crisis, with this whole end of capitalism debate and such (about time too) and because the ‘west’ is going to have to get over, at some point, its ‘we’re so awesome’ syndrome, this is the forum for where the next big ideas should come from.
But all that it has been for me till now, is a pathetic final failed attempt by the ‘west’ at maintaining its supremacy at least in (their own) thought. Its a graceless nonacceptance of their mistakes, their dishonest conversations to shield agendas to somehow recreate themselves in the non-western countries.
First of all, what is with words like “underdeveloped”, “developing”, “third world”, and my favorite ” the global south” anyway. I mean get over yourselves with how you think you’re somehow better than these others. Stop thinking that you have *any* solutions to offer and use places like IDS to actually listen to the people that come here to debate.
So, in short, I’m tad disillusioned about what it is that I think I’m doing here. I came here to find a way forward and each and every day, I find myself, in my head, going back to my days in Madhya Pradesh and thinking about the ridiculousness of this whole business of ‘development’. Its not helping that I did my term paper on Post Development thinking and I’m following it up with a term paper on Social Movements. Even though in my papers I’m trying to critique it to balance it out, I know I’m mostly lying to myself, because despite their extremism, what they say or do seems to have much more of an impact than I can ever imagine having through working with a development agency.
So now what?
One thing that’s amply clear, is that I’m not prepared to go back to my romantic notions of Marx, Village life, anti modernity (which is not the same as post modernity) and such. Though these ideas and many others that have been added through the years will stay in my head as a parallel conscience, I don’t think they can dictate the way forward for me.
I will not sit here and blindly critique all of science and technology. I will not come up with these crap narratives of how we need to rid ourselves of all that these past few generations have achieved in terms of technology and start afresh, first because the idea is ludicrous and second, impossible. So to that extent, I am that voice that will say “hey, we have this stuff, how about we use it right”. At the same time, I have a lot of respect for all things non-western. Not simply out of a rebellion of the west but more out of a need to find more variety and vibrancy in ways of thinking and being. That’s what I’m here to find.
So you understand the stems of my frustration. This neoliberal – west dominated conversation of everything is very dated and needs to take a back seat because I honestly will not hear one more word of it. I really hope that once this term ends and the next begins, with our specializations, that I will see these things happen.
But I also need to feel like I’m making most of my time here, which is difficult to do after your brain switches off the minute you start reading a prescribed article that supposedly wants to talk about indigenous people but instead becomes all about the various policies that international agencies like the UN have passed about these people, which have had little to no impact on their lives. Instead of talking about why these people ought to be looked at in greater detail just to understand them rather than change their lives, these articles don’t stop talking about so and so charter that defines these people in so and so way which was later amended in such and such year to include this. *snore*
I’ve never really been a fan of doing what people ask me to do anyway. So its foolish of me to try now. Maybe I should go back to my old practices of finding my own way through this mess and reading what I want to read rather than what I’m being made to read. So THERE – all you people with agendas – I’m cooler than you.
And what am I going to do with my career after this is a question I can’t think of without giving myself nightmares. Honestly, I don’t know. I thought I did when I came here but I don’t now. The ivory tower of academics meets stubborn high headed attitude of aid agencies makes local ngos or grassroot ngos seem extremely appealing, even though I had never thought I would want to work in NGOs before. I just feel like I will not come to terms with my self if I’m not going out into “the field” (another one of my favorite words to hate) and actually doing something directly, albeit little. But I have a long way to go before I decide how I do this. And despite all this, the idea to work at an Indian university as a researcher is ever so appealing.
Another thing I have resolved is that I’m done with western education. This masters will see the end of my pursuing anything academic with a western university. Or maybe western curriculum with non western professors I could work with. But I think that if I do do a PhD, I’d like to do it from India.
Okay. So that’s that I think. A sound (or otherwise) update of my the life and times of me in the past two months.
More from where this came from (sooner than later I hope)
