I realised this blog needs an update. When I made it, I was a completely different person. A more focused, passionate, driven and naive person. Two year on, I’m not that person anymore. I wish I could be. Its too early in life to have lost all will to survive and fight this world, to have lost all will to be a person I can be proud of.
When I made this blog I knew exactly what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be. That made it easier to strive for things, bigger things, important things. Now, lost in a labyrinth of ideologies and critiques, of truth and appearances, of friendship and fame, I don’t know who to be anymore. I can’t get myself to be naive enough to believe that all that I set out to be will be achieved, and in that state, I’m surrendering to let myself become all that life makes me.
I don’t want to be this person anymore.
If the whole point was to go with the flow, what was the point have ever decided to fight? What was the point of having at least tried and what was the point of having failed? If I am ever to do justice to myself, to the fleeting memories of having had an opinion, an ideology and an intellect, I can’t let myself fall into this abyss.
So let’s set out for some redefinition. This is me actively deciding that I need to change and doing something about it. I started by changing what this blog is called, and how it looks. I’m going to start my changing my dedication, mindset and approach to my academics, to my friends, to my family, to the news, to my classes, to assignments and to life at large. Life if too short to be lived entirely with scepticism and thats one thing I wish to remember every day from now on.
Am I going to go back to being naive? No, I don’t think its possible even if I tried. But to think that I have learnt all there is, is in itself naivety of the worst sort. So, I’m going to go back to my sense of wonder, of exploration and belief in something.
I’ll start by being more honest to myself. To the fact that I don’t know as much as I wish I did. To the fact that I need to work harder than I like to think and that I’m a bit more competitive than I like to believe. I should also be honest about being who I am than what I appear to be. And more importantly, be honest about the fact that I don’t really like who I am or who I appear to be most of the time these days. That really, I wish to be none of these people, but a whole different person, who I don’t know anything about.
I want to be better read, better informed, better opined. I want to be able to listen and articulate better. I want to be in constant search of something new, different, real, possible. An idea, technology, possibility. Just about anything that will give me reason to believe in the world around me and create reason for me to aspire for something more from myself. I also want to be in constant search of something that is wrong and pisses me off. Like an injustice, like someone who should’ve had more food to eat, a house to sleep in and a voice that was heard.
I need to look at this as a milestone in a longer journey and not the destination itself. I need to have more faith in having a plan, however pointless it maybe. But I need to have faith in having a plan that is ambitious and makes me wake up each morning with the desire to do more.
This is my redefinition, from what I am to what I would like to be. Of being able to view my world (and self) differently from who I am today. Heres to a new journey.
